What being a good listener really looks like.
An important new study challenges the received wisdom about listening effectively.
(4-minute read.)
Leaders are increasingly exhorted to be better listeners. They are also told that simply listening isn’t enough. It’s the act of listening and reflecting that builds relationships and hones emotional intelligence. But what is reflecting and is there any evidence that it works? Interesting new research sheds some light.
Listening matters
Listening matters. There is a wealth of evidence that shows that listening underpins empathy, rapport and the ability to influence others.
Whether or not the line manager genuinely listens is the behaviour that most strongly explains the variance in levels of employee engagement. That’s what we discovered in our landmark study with YouGov last year, in which we looked at the leadership behaviours that most drive engagement. Listening came out top in 2025, and it was top when we first did the survey in 2011.
Our research also revealed that too many leaders simply aren’t good at it. When we train leaders in influencing and collaborative skills, one of the most revealing exercises requires them simply to be present and listen to a colleague. The more senior the leader the more they tend to struggle with the act of simply listening.
What’s more, numerous studies indicate that the more senior we become the more rapidly our listening skills decline. Berkeley Professor Dacher Keltner first coined the term “Power Paradox.” Put simply as our status goes up, all things being equal, our empathy and social awareness go down. Numerous studies show that as we move up the hierarchy we pay less attention to others’ emotions and cues; and we are less likely to take another person’s perspective.
So, is it inevitable that we become tone-deaf as we get more senior? Not at all. Our experience shows that listening is something we can choose to learn. Awareness is key.
Reflecting
But what is reflecting? What does it look like when we’re getting it right? And is there any evidence that it makes any difference at all?
First, a quick detour into the history of reflecting: Where the concept comes from and why psychologists so often view it as an essential ingredient in healthy relationships.
Carl Rogers was largely seen as the godfather of person-centred therapy. His work from the 1950s through to the 1970s gave rise to the concept of reflecting. And he is largely credited with coining the phrase.
If reflecting can seem a little machine-like, It’s worth noting that, in the 1960s, psychotherapist Joseph Weidenbaum, literally built a reflecting machine. Anticipating today’s AI therapy chatbots, Eliza was a computer program that would create the illusion of listening simply by playing back the words of the participant:
“I feel that my mother doesn’t understand me.”
“You feel that your mother doesn’t understand you.”
It seemed that simple interaction would encourage the participant to open up and keep talking.
Armed with the evidence of Eliza, you could understand why the idea of simply playing back what somebody has said got quite a grip. It looked like a potential power to open up dialogue.
Centred on relationship building
Reflection became the orthodoxy of almost all person-centred therapy and coaching. Indeed, it became central to any counselling or training that was centred on relationship building. If you took part in any form of marriage guidance or relationship counselling, from the nineteen seventies to the 1990s, the idea of reflecting what your partner has said would’ve been drilled into you.
As with any orthodoxy, sooner or later somebody comes along and questions how strong the actual evidence base is. Reflecting was no different. In this case, the contrarian was an American psychologist and relationship expert called John Gottman. Gottman studied the communication habits of people in successful long-term loving relationships. And guess what? No reflecting!
Emotionally attuned
Frankly, this will ring true for anyone who has tried the tactical howler of reflecting when in a heated argument with their partner. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you!) Gottman’s insight was that it’s not playing back the words in parrot fashion that counts. But being emotionally attuned to what the other person is saying.
Now, Gottman’s insights are important, but it would be a big mistake to think that they consign the notion of reflecting to the dustbin of history.
Enter Marshall Rosenberg, author of Non-Violent Communication. Rosenberg is a big advocate for the power of using reflecting to check for understanding before moving on. Certainly, in our experience at Threshold this simple act is remarkably effective at grounding the conversation and taking the heat but none of the weight out of it.
So, what can we conclude about reflecting? There is remarkable power in regularly pausing the conversation simply to say “So, what I’m hearing is… and have I got that right?” But above all what matters is the act of emotional attunement; listening out for the emotion you are sensing from the other person and checking how close you are to understanding where the other person is emotionally at that point.
Hijacking
Anyone who has experienced any sort of training in reflective listening will know that the faux pas that attracts the greatest finger wagging is what is sometime referred to as ‘hijacking.’
When you hear something like, “Oh, I know what you mean, that happened to me…” Or variations on that theme, you’re probably about to be hijacked.
We’re “hijacking” when we shift the conversation onto our own story, opinions, or advice—effectively taking control of the conversation. Put simply, we make it about us.
It’s discourteous. It lacks empathy and it’s the worst form of listening.
Or is it? Is there a time when a phrase along the lines of “Something similar happened to me, may I share it with you….” enhances emotional attunement, empathy and rapport.
Process of listening
New research suggests that we may have been underestimating the benefits of interjecting our own experiences and feelings, as part of the process of listening.
Research led by Shaina Munin and colleagues (2025) in which they analysed a vast sample of real-world conversations, suggests that the specific language we use when listening to someone’s worries can shape how supported they feel.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, general advice, positive language, or offering explanations had little benefit. (Yet how often do we still do it?)
Self-disclosure
So, what works? This is where it gets surprising: self-referential language (“I’ve experienced something similar…”) was linked to greater improvements in the sharer’s mood and higher levels of trust. In practice, this often appeared as self-disclosure, where the listener briefly shared a comparable experience. The finding is striking because it challenges the traditional warning against “hijacking” a conversation: thoughtful self-disclosure may actually help people feel understood, reassured, and less alone.
This also echoes advice found in books such as Raising Boys (Steve Biddulph, Harper-Collins), which suggests that boys in particular rarely open up simply because someone sits and listens. What often works better is starting with some honest personal disclosure — a brief account of a similar experience, worry, or mistake. That small act of openness can make the conversation feel safer and more equal, and it invites the other person to respond in kind.
Measured self-referential language
Interestingly, the language research by Munin and colleagues points in a similar direction. Conversations that included measured self-referential language — “I’ve been through something similar” — were linked to greater trust and improved mood in the speaker.
So the old listening rule, “never hijack the conversation,” now looks a little too blunt. Certainly, taking over the conversation is unhelpful. But authentic, well-judged self-disclosure can actually deepen empathy and connection. In other words: don’t hijack — but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater either.
Written 100% by humans
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