How to be brilliant in those conversations you tend to avoid
We’ve trained thousands of managers to have honest feedback conversations. The reason we avoid them has a common root cause.
5-minutes read – 100% written by humans
Honest feedback is one of the strongest drivers of employee engagement. That’s what we discovered across two major studies with our research partners YouGov (2011 and 2025). And yet, the same studies show that almost half of UK employees do not receive the sort of honest feedback that they need to be fully engaged in their work.
Leadership courses are not short of teachable models. SBI; STAR; COIN. You can probably name others. There is nothing wrong with these models per se, but the evidence suggests that models don’t change behaviour. We know this from over 14 years of surveying UK employees.
We need to look elsewhere for the root cause and the solution
The reason most managers fail to give effective feedback isn’t because they lack a framework or a pathway, it’s a different problem altogether. After all, true communication is not about remembering where you are on an acronym. We need to look elsewhere for the root cause and the solution.
Let’s take the example of Joanne, a client of ours from a large bank. Joanne had been promoted to the role of leader of the “Kudos” team. Charged with implementing a new process and digital platform, the promotion was a welcome recognition of her contribution, but the honeymoon period was over. Concern over the performance of Francis (one of her team members) was gnawing away at her. More worrying was a deeper recognition that she was avoiding dealing with the situation.
Warm and affable, Francis was well liked by internal stakeholders and colleagues. He fitted in well and had been seen as a good ambassador for Kudos across the business. But Joanne was starting to sense a pattern. Delivery just wasn’t happening. Milestones were being missed. And on each occasion, Francis would have an explanation – at first convincing but increasingly wearing thin.
Joanne needed to have that uncomfortable conversation that she had been avoiding.
There was a disconnect
When Joanne practiced with one of our coaches and role players, it became increasingly apparent that there was a disconnect between the words coming out of her mouth and her intention. It was as if, at the crucial moment of delivering the message, there were some sort of interference in her internal system that would render the words innocuous.
Or Joanne would deliver the message but then back pedal to fill the awkward silence, softening her message to the point at which it lost all substance.
Joanne had internalised something from childhood; she liked to be liked. Nothing wrong with that, but the result was that not being liked even temporarily had become unbearable for her.
Rigid rules
Clinical psychology recognises this as a rigid rule. Most of us have them in some form and they limit our effectiveness. It’s natural to codify our world into a set of rules about the way things should be, or the way we should be. The problem arises when these rules become hard-baked or rigid.
I like to be liked; becomes I must always be liked. I like to be funny; becomes I must always be the Joker. I like to be smart; becomes I must always be right.
Nice is not the same as kind
We avoid difficult conversations because our rule about being liked or being nice overrides our intention. Bonnie Hayden Cheng, the academic and writer, has written widely on the subject of “Leadership Kindness.” She makes the point that when we put our need to be nice above the need for honesty, we may retain the luxury of being nice, but that’s not the same as being kind.
Creating flexibility
It’s important to recognise that a desire to be liked is perfectly psychologically healthy. The key is to recognise this but build in some flexibility for when you need it.
Here’s a useful solution that clinical psychologists recommend.
Take your rigid rule and reframe it using the template:
I prefer to be……but I’m ok if sometimes…..
Joanne parked up her old rigid rule – I must always be liked – and agreed to test drive her new flexible preference – I prefer to be liked, but I’m ok if sometimes I’m not.
She also told us that it helped to add a final clause. “For the sake of…” In her case, “For the sake of getting clear about expectations…”
What do you give yourself permission to be?
The other thought experiment we see work well is the “permission to be…” technique. Before a conversation that you would typically find challenging, give yourself permission to be… honest, direct, clear, whatever works for you.
The third method takes this idea a step further. It’s known as the ‘copy and paste’ strategy.
Copy and paste strategies work
Katie S. Mehr and colleagues from the University of Pennsylvania argue in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, that copying the strategies that we see others use may be an effective shortcut to changing our behaviour.
Copying and pasting means imagining that we are somebody who more readily behaves in the manner that we want to emulate and then “acting as if…”
Their work focused on exercise. They found that when people “copy and paste” both the regimes and the mindset of people whose exercise practice they want to emulate, it proved effective at altering their own habits.
Professional performers do something similar, often creating an alter ego as a quick hack to get into the zone.
Beyonce, Robbie Williams and Kobe Bryant
Beyoncé famously created the alter ego Sasha Fierce whom she would become when she stepped on stage. Robbie Williams has maintained that he is not Robbie Williams at all but Robert Williams, the family man. Robert Williams is the man who reads his children a bedtime story. He becomes Robbie Williams when performing.
The brilliant US basketball star Kobe Bryant invented Black Mamba, a more focused and aggressive version of himself whom he would become when he stepped into the arena.
Imagine that version of yourself
Imagine that version of yourself that’s entirely relaxed and confident giving frank and honest feedback with ease. This version is kind but is also comfortable letting go of being liked when that’s what’s called for in the moment. This is you, but a particular version of you.
Maybe give yourself a name, your equivalent of the Sasha, Robbie or Mamba. There’s a good chance that this version of yourself will end up being a lifelong friend.
To find out how we can help leaders in your organisation to be more impactful, influential and persuasive visit www.threshold.co.uk
